Amour Cruel et Amer
by hellishlygood
Summary: My mouth stretched into a cold, dangerous smirk. Oh Sebastian, this would be war.
1. Prologue

**I am so sorry I deleted my other story! I know I am a horrible tease! But I promise that THIS one is lasting. I WILL update and it will stay on there. I had started writing the other one but then this idea just inspired me and I knew I wouldn't update both so I went for this one. It is worth reading I hope! Enjoy-**

_**Amour Cruel et Amer**_

"_Shine the headlights straight into my eyes and like the road kill, I'm paralysed" – Placebo_

Cold, emotionless, superior. Each poisonous syllable that eased out of my mouth empowered me. I was smiling ever so slightly but the smile never reached my deep green eyes. I could see the hurt that I was slowly sewing through him. It felt _good_He deserved it. I hoped that he maybe felt exactly as I did - betrayed. That word was tainted with a name- _Annette_. The blonde hick of a hypocrite who had stole Sebastian from me.

"I think it's the saddest thing I have ever heard" I said devoid of any emotion. A tear slid from his blue pools of eyes. He had been reduced to crying. "Cheers," I continued and took a sip of the champagne. I hoped that alcohol would help numb my heart. "Tastes good" I smirk at him. Him who had been cruel, manipulating and unmerciful- perfectly imperfect. Him who was now pussy-whipped, a betrayer and weak- revoltingly good. "Now I assume you came here to make arrangements?" I asked and stood up. My legs quivered ever so slightly. "But unfortunately I don't fuck losers," I hissed and ripped all that had been our relationship to shreds. He left, slamming the door behind him. He didn't even have a reply.

"Goodbye Sebastian" I whispered. I was missing him already when the truth was; I never had really had him.

It was evil and I knew it. After all, evil is my favourite word. He should have known it was coming. He should have _known_ that I would never let him hurt me. I wished what I said had been true, but it was all lies. He had left _me_ for _her_. Annette was everything that I despised and he chose her over me. There I had been, foolishly prepared to let him finally have me. Prepared to finally open up to him. Why else would I have taken on a bet which I knew I would lose? In the end my endless amounts of facades and tricks had even fooled him into thinking that I did not care. I reluctantly thought back to a conversation we had about a year back; _"you know one day you will trick even yourself with your lies"_. I vaguely thought back to a famous quote by Henry Fosdick; 'Hating someone is like burning down your house to get rid of a rat'. With each poisonous word I has uttered to him I had destroyed myself. Alone, Weak, Unhappy.

That night I swore to myself that I would never let myself care again. I would never let myself be that open with anyone. I would never let myself get hurt. I unscrewed my crucifix and took a big hit. It was a bit too big, but I needed a big release. I told my feelings that they would have to come later, as right then, I needed _revenge_. I lay back on my bed and grasped my phone. I knew just who to start with. My mouth stretched into a cold, dangerous smirk. Oh Sebastian, this would be _war_.

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Hey, there was the intro. What did you think? Please review. I am sorry about my other story but I promise to u/d this weekly.


	2. Chapitre un

"_I am afraid to show you who I really am, because you might not like it_

_And that is all I have got" Sabrina Ward Harrison_

SLAM. I had heard the front door rattle on its hinges. He was home. I could basically feel the aggression and anger radiating off of him. I was sitting at my vanity table studying and scrutinising myself in the mirror. My doors rattled for a few seconds before he finally realised that they were locked.

"Oh dear step-sister, let me in," he hissed viscously through the doors. I didn't reply. I heard him go into his room and rustle through his drawers. He was looking for his key. He was back, rattling and banging again a minute later.

"What the fuck do you think you were doing telling Ronald about Cecile? And I hit you? Have you seriously lost your fucking twisted mind? He fucking jumped at me in the street! I was an inch away from getting run over! You could have killed me" he yelled through the door again.

"Why won't my key work?" he asked clearly frustrated. I got up an unlocked the door. He barged in red in the face. "Do you think you can fuck with me?" he asked whilst grabbing my upper arm hard.

"I know I can. Ronald is not even the start of it Sebastian. Once I am through with you, you will be wishing that you had been run over," I replied in a sickly sweet voice.

"You're disgusting," he spat at me and I have to say, it hurt. He was supposed to love all of the weird quirks and kinks that made me.

"No dear brother, you are. Get your pussy-whipped unworthy hands off me before I cry _rape_," I warned in a deadly tone. His hand retracted as if I had burnt him.

"Seriously _princess_, if you try and touch me and Annette, some of your sordid little secrets will be revealed. I have some quite graphic videos of you and your fuck toys," he threatened. I recoiled slightly. He knew almost everything about me. He could tell everyone my secrets and I had no idea what video he was talking about.

"Back with Dorothy then? She forgave you? Chump! Sebastian, you have grown a conscience, you darling Dorothy won't be pleased if you do something sick to me, you know in the game of destruction, I will win".

SLAM. I had been slowly backing him out of my room through the entirety of my speech and with my last word I had shut the door on him. I knew he was scared. I could see it in his eyes. He knew I would stop at nothing to get him back if he ruined my reputation. Although he apparently had a video against me, he knew he could not use it.

"Kathryn, don't you think you have hurt me enough?" his voice was so loud, so uncaring. "You got your victory over me… so please just leave us alone," he said. He was still trying to protect HER.

"I've hurt you enough?" I asked in disbelief, shooting him a dirty look.

"Yeah, Kat, do you know what? I admit it. You won. You showed you were better than me, you proved that after _everything _that I was nothing to you. But big deal, I am finally away from you and I am finally fucking happy. I finally see you for what you are, so just drop it!" He yelled.

I had finally won, but really, I had not won anything. I had lost him.

"Why doesn't my key work?" he asked. We had exchanged keys over a year back in a silent admittance that we trusted each other. It was symbolic. I opened the door and saw him sitting, legs stretched out with his back resting against the wall with a content, gloating look on his face. He was adorned fully in black. He still looked irresistible. He was the most _beautiful_ thing I had ever seen. How ridiculous seeing as he has done so many ugly things?

"You're pathetic Sebastian. You've changed…and I've changed the lock," I denied the emotions begging to enter my voice as I laughed at him.

"Dear sister, you are the one that is pathetic. I have finally found love and have left your screwed up world of hate. I am happy and you are alone, so just leave it that way," he replied smugly. Hate. Scorching hot fury ran through me. I would destroy him. I would hurt him more than he could ever fucking imagine. I would find his weakness and I would exploit it. I turned around and slammed my door so hard the frame shook.

…………………………………………………………….

"I had a lovely time at dinner Sebastian," Annette giggled.

"I just loved being with you," Sebastian replied. Oh dear lord it was sickening.

"I am so happy that we worked everything out," the hick said sweetly.

"I am too. I am so in love with you Annette," Sebastian had officially become a fag. Their talking ceased for a minute and I assumed that they were kissing.

"Want to come upstairs?" I heard him whisper and she replied yes. I turned from my balcony and walked inside. I could hear the front door shut. The two of them had really turned into one of those sickly sweet couples. They were spending all of their time together and spent the most of that time staring lovingly into the other ones big fucking doe eyes. I heard them make their way to his room. The occasional wet sound as lips parted from other lips and soft moans and groans. I lay down on my bed and shoved my pillow over my head. I could hear him panting, whispering sweet nothings, I could hear her whimper- it should have been me.

The maid opening my door woke me up and only then did I realise that I had fallen asleep. It was morning now. Hopefully the hick had gone. Three days had successfully passed since mine and Sebastian's argument and I failed to come up with a plan. The truth was that as much as I hated and wished to destroy Sebastian, I still craved him. I missed him. I wanted him back. Don't get me wrong, I did not want this pussy-whipped version. I wanted the old Sebastian back. I wanted the boy who had smiled with me when we sent other peoples' worlds crashing to their feet.

I tried to stop myself thinking back to our old relationship and concentrate on hurting him, but my mind betrayed me and I often sat for hours thinking about what we used to be like. The more I thought back, the more I was sure that he had loved me. He would get jealous when others touched me and he could always sense when I was truly upset or angry. Last summer, I had been away for a couple of weeks and I could actually hear him smile on the other end of the phone when I rang him. He had missed me. He had craved me. He _must_ have loved me.

"Ms. Merteuil, there is a Blaine Tuttle at the door for you," Mai Lee informed me with her very shaky English. I nodded to her and a genuine smile formed on my porcelain face.

"Send him in," I instructed and made sure I was presentable in the mirror. I was extremely happy to see Blaine. Not only would he bring a nice supply of coke for me, but he would also share my view on the new Valmont. The blonde entered in seconds, dressed in a very expensive but tacky outfit.

"Hello princess, one hasn't been seeing you a lot recently. So tell me, are you fucking that gorgeous step-brother of yours yet?" he asked with his very posh accent and grinned.

"You haven't heard have you? Figures. The hick probably told him that drug dealers were not appropriate friends" I replied bitterly and he raised an eyebrow at me in confusion.

"Ooh, grouchy, well here is your stuff ma fleur précieuse," he smiled and passed me a package.

"My precious flower? You sound like Valmont," I replied whilst studying the white powder. My skin was nearly as white as it.

"Valmont calls you 'precious flower'?" Blaine asked teasingly. I gave him a cold stare and the smile disappeared of his face. He sat on the chair by my desk and gave me a look.

"Spill princess, what the fuck has been going on and getting you in such a bad mood". Blaine was a lot closer to Sebastian than he was to me, but I paid him a lot of money to keep me supplied and keep quiet about it. I knew for a fact that he was very fond of me.

"You queers love your drama. Well I am guessing that you have heard of our wager on Annette?" I started and he just rolled his eyes at my queer comment.

"The virgin," he stated.

"Yes. Well this will be a turn up for the books; Sebastian fell for her. She lost her virginity and he lost his balls," I said and guarded my eyes so Tuttle wouldn't be able to see how hurt I was.

"What?! He fell for her? Like…in love?" Blaine spluttered out.

"Yes Tuttle, love," I reply and look at his appalled face.

"But he won the bet? He finally fucked you?" Blaine asked slowly.

"Not quite… it is a long story," I replied sighing.

"Well princess, I have the time," Blaine said and rubbed his hands together. So I spilled out the tragedy of a story…

I


	3. Chapitre deux

**Hey! Three updates in two days****- aren't I a good girl? Once you have read through this, could you please be so kind as to review? It would make my day. **

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"_Let the Devil catch you, but by a single hair and you are his forever"- Gotthold Ephraim Lessing_

"_I think it's the saddest thing I have ever heard…Cheers…Tastes good". _I could not stop reliving that moment. And before you jump to conclusions, no I did not feel bad or look back on it with regret. In fact, I looked back on it with _pleasure_. Seeing Valmont hurting that way gave me such pleasure. Fine, I may be a masochist or whatever else you may wish to call me, but it does not change the fact that it gave me joy to **hurt** Sebastian. But I had not hurt him enough. I wanted to hurt him more. He was the one person I truly cared for and he blew me off for some hick. I wanted revenge. Wrath always has been one of my deadly sins.

Blaine had actually kept his cock sucking mouth shut and listened to my story. He was now sitting with a look of repulse on his face.

"Tuttle, I need your help. I need dirt on the virgin. I need to know everything about her," I said with a smile and I could tell that Blaine knew what was going through my head.

"Does nothing stop you princess? Already scheming? Well I am at your service. Anything to harm the hick that harmed Valmont," he said with a smirk.

"Thank you, but I need something else too…" I trailed off. I knew that he not likely to accept my request.

"I am sorry princess that may have happened once a few years ago when I was drunk but I am most definitely gay now," he replied and my manicured hand met the back of his peroxide blonde head. He was referring to when we were fifteen and at one of his many parties. Valmont had pissed me off about something and I had been horny and drunk. Blaine had gone down on me.

"We agreed not to mention that. Seriously, I need you to find all you can on Sebastian," I let him process the information for a minute.

"I am attacking him via Annette, but it isn't enough, I need to find any other weaknesses he has- that is apart from ex-virginal hypocrites like Annette." Blaine stood up at this.

"Listen princess, I am all happy with hurting the hick, but I won't help you hurt Valmont. After all, he is my best friend," Blaine refused.

"Tuttle, he has completely changed and screwed me over! You can't honestly tell me that you are not annoyed that our old Sebastian has gone?" I tempted him whilst snorting a line. God, it made everything so much better. It numbed everything. That was what I needed to feel- _numb. _Blaine sat back down shaking his head for a few minutes as if in deep thought, then suddenly he jumped up.

"_Damn_ right I am annoyed princess, but if you hurt him, no one wins," he paused for effect.

"Can you hurry up with your point?" I snapped.

"Don't be so grouchy! What if I told you, we could get Sebastian back to him old self?" he asked with a smirk that informed me he had a plan.

"How exactly would we do that?" I asked impatiently.

"Sebastian has two faults Kathryn; his inability to keep it in his pants and his jealous tendencies when it comes to you. You make him think you have fallen for someone else and make him jealous, he will be back to him old self in seconds" Damn that queer was a genius.

"Blaine, I knew there was a reason I liked you so much. Now what type of person would really get to Sebastian?" I asked and pressed my index finger to my red lips. Blaine shrugged.

"He hates being threatened, so another playboy might be a good place to start," Blaine suggested.

"No, he thinks he is above all of that now…" I trailed off.

"Look princess, one of the reasons Valmont seems to be enjoying this relationship so much is because he thinks he is above you. But if you pretend to fall for a Bible freak, he will be desperate to try and make you slip up to go back to your old ways," Blaine enlightened me once again.

"Blaine since when have fags been so clever?!" I teased. "If I pretend to have 'changed for the better' and given up my old ways, Sebastian will do anything to see me fall again". But then a cloud of worry came over my head. "But what if he doesn't do anything? What if he doesn't try to bring me down?" I asked, voicing my worry.

"This is Valmont we are talking about Kat. It will always be the same with him; he will always have to win." Blaine said. It was true, Sebastian did have an undying need to always have to beat me in some way or another. Now I just had to find the right person.

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"Hi Kathryn, how was your summer?" Cecile ran up to me ungracefully when I entered the corridor. Ronald had decided against asking her about Sebastian and the couple were apparently very happy. This was a plus for me as Cecile still adored me.

"Good thanks, how is Ronald?" I asked with a fake chipper smile and she just giggled and ran off to class. I strode down the corridor whilst people waved and smiled up in awe of me. Manchester Prep was my Kingdom. I _ruled_ it and everyone that attended. My skirt was a decent length, my hair – perfectly shiny – rested neatly on my shoulders and a warm smile graced my face. No one knew that it had taken to bumps of coke to keep my smile in tact. But even Blaine's best stuff couldn't keep that smile there when I ran into Sebastian.

"Back to your castle Ice Queen?" he asked me cruelly.

"Shouldn't you be taking a campus tour with Dorothy?" I asked and brushed past him. I went into my first lesson and took my seat. My eyes scanned the male population of the classroom; it was time to find the perfect person to make Sebastian jealous. _Damn it!_ I thought. There was not one right person for the job. I had already slept with two people in this class (including the teacher) and had told Sebastian about how they were in bed, so they were a no. It seemed that my school only contained jocks, ugly nerds, music freaks and Sebastian. None of those would _do_.

"Kathryn, how are you finding the task?" Professor Anderson interrupted me from my thoughts and leant over me to see my work. His lips were dangerously near my ear and I could feel his hot breath on my neck. I remembered that night I had been with him. I had stayed late for a meeting with the old Headmaster and when I came out he had been alone in the staff room. Aged 26 and extremely sexy, he had placed me on a desk and entered me quickly. I knew he would never tell anyone as he would get fired and possibly serve time in jail.

"Fine thank you Professor," I said in my sweetest most innocent voice.

"I prefer when you are moaning 'Professor'" he whispered quietly and I shivered. Suddenly it dawned on me how hard this game was going to be. I would have to pretend to be completely smitten with some 'do-gooder' and I would probably have to quit fucking for at least three weeks.

I had yet to even think of a suitable person and was starting to think it was a hopeless task when Professor Anderson spoke again:

"Listen up students; we have a new member joining our class. He has just transferred from Kansas- Jake Hardgrove".


	4. Chapitre trois

**Thanks for the reviews. I know it has quite a slow start, but I just want to set the scene. ****Yes Jake might just be trying to take Kathryn. But don't be fooled about what you first hear about him- he is not what he seems. By the way, I'm English so I spell some words differently to you Americans- sorry!**

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"_I was never faithful  
And I was never one to trust  
Borderline bipolar  
Forever biting on your nuts  
I was never grateful  
That's why I spend my days alone  
I'm forever black-eyed  
A product of a broken home"- Placebo_

Jake _Hardgrove_. My head snapped up to meet two deep blue eyes. This boy sure did not look like Annette. He had a nice tan and looked extremely muscular. He had broad shoulders and a mop of dark hair. His face looked friendly, but sunken cheeks and dark circles under his eyes made him look slightly unhinged. _Is he Annette's brother?_ I thought. I was almost certain that Annette had been an only child.

"Hi," Jake said sheepishly before looking towards Professor Anderson as if to ask where to sit.

"Sit over there Jake," he replied, pointing to a free desk besides me. "Kathryn is Student-Body President, I am sure she will be happy to show you around," Professor Anderson looked over at me. I just smiled pleasantly. I swore to God that if Jake was anywhere near as annoying as his sister, I would smack him in the face. Yet I couldn't help but be slightly thrilled, Jake was extremely good looking in that type of innocent school boy type of way. I was desperate to _corrupt_ him. And before you say it, yes I know I am slightly sick.

"Hi, Welcome to Manchester Prep," I smiled warmly while shaking his hand. He let out a smile. "Are you by any chance related to Annette Hardgrove?" I asked.

"Yeah, I am her cousin. Both of our families moved out here, she is great!" he replied._ Another Bible humper _I thought and tried not to roll my eyes. "You know her?"

"Well, I know her father- your uncle," I replied- I was not ready to reveal that she had actually stolen my step-brother from me. "What classes do you have next?" I asked.

"Algebra," he replied with a charming smile.

"Honestly, it isn't that tough. The teacher is lovely. I have that next too, I will show you the way if you like," I asked flicking back my hair and biting on my lip teasingly.

"That would be great Kathryn," he replied with an interested smile. I had found my perfect man.

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"So how did you find your first day?" I asked Jake with my best 'concerned face'. I had invited him back to the apartment after school. What can I say? I don't waste time.

"Pretty brutal actually, not everyone is as friendly and helpful as you," he said and I gestured for him to sit down. I strained my ears to hear if Sebastian was home.

"Aw that is sweet. Well, as Student-Body President I have to show all new comers around school so I know how nerve wracking it can be," I replied.

"You can say that again. But you seemed well liked around here. All anyone had to say about you was great things," he complimented me. _No shit _I thought.

"Well, I try my best to be kind to everyone. School can be a hard time and I would hate to think that I have made anyone upset," I lied through my teeth. Names of the many people I have ruined popped into my head.

"You don't realize what an attribute that is Kathryn. You have been so helpful to me, thank you," he replied whilst scooting closer to me on the sofa.

"So, made any acquaintances?" I queried.

"Well, I met a nice girl called Cecile – who strangely seemed to be coming onto me - and her boyfriend Court Reynolds," he said nonchalantly. I practically choked on my drink.

"Her _boyfriend_? They are fucking dating?" I blurted out before I could stop myself. I was so shocked that I forgot who I was talking to. "Oh excuse my language, I was just so shocked. I thought Cecile was with someone else," I recovered but he just sat there with an amused look on his face.

"That's okay. I have heard a fair share of _fucks_ in my lifetime," he said with a smile that made me think he had meant to sound dirty.

"Really?" I said in a low husky voice, clearly intrigued by his behaviour. It was at this moment that Sebastian decided to come home. He burst through the doors looking rather flustered.

"What a fucking day I've had! Have you spread it around the whole school about me and…" he started yelling but stopped himself when he saw Jake.

"Sebastian, we have company," I replied through gritted teeth and silently warned him to keep his mouth shut.

"Who is your _friend_ Kathryn?" he asked sarcastically.

"This is Jake, Jake my step-brother Sebastian. Please excuse his rudeness," I said with a smirk. I hoped that Sebastian would say something crude without realizing Jake was Annette's cousin.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Jake, I see you have met my slut of a sister!" Sebastian pasted a big fake smile on his face. My face fell.

"Sebastian!" I gasped, pretending to be shocked at this behaviour whilst my eyes sent out a warning; you make this any worse I will make you feel pain. He strode out of the room with his usual cocky steps.

"I'm so sorry. He…he just likes to put me down," I said, crocodile tears glistening in my eyes.

"Don't listen to him, he is just jealous of you," Jake replied sweetly. "Competition between siblings is always hard," he continued. _Dear Lord this boy is worse than Annette! _I thought bitterly. How wrong I was.

"It's just that, I try so hard to be good and make my parents hard. Then Sebastian sleeps with a teacher again and all the attention is on him," I said with a sad expression.

"I know just how you feel. You shouldn't ever let him put you down. You're so sweet and beautiful. You're perfect…" he whispered. _What a moron! _I thought while outwardly, tears were steaming my eyes.

This was my opportunity. I leant in slowly so there was only a centimeter between our lips. My lips parted but I refused to move any closer. He cupped my cheek and pulled me to him. It was a gentle kiss. It was so unlike my usual kisses. His lips caressed mine and our tongues slowly dueled. He was experienced that was for sure. I was almost aching for him to touch me but maybe that was just because I hadn't had sex for a few days. Well…what do you expect, I'm practically a nymphomaniac. He refused to bring his hands to me though and I had the distinct impression that he knew exactly what he was doing to me. I knew that Jake seemed to be another annoying Annette whom I would despise but I had the feeling that he knew precisely what he was doing. It was different than the other people I had kissed. I was emotional already from the whole Sebastian ordeal and kissing Jake made me feel like someone understood. I was being _weak_. I heard the click of a door closing and my eyes slowly opened. Sebastian was standing in the doorway. His jaw was tight with jealousy and I saw a flicker of confusion in his eyes. No wonder there was confusion- he had never seen me be gentle with anyone before.

"Do you have to do this in front of me?" he asked in a disgusted tone but I could see that he was bothered by it. Sebastian used to hate when I was touching one of my 'boyfriends'. I used to think that he was worried that I would start to actually like them. Jake and I pulled apart and I looked at him breathlessly for a second before turning to Sebastian. I thought of a million quick replies but then thought better of it.

"Sorry…come on Jake," I said gently and lead Jake by the hand into my room. As soon as my back was turned away from Sebastian I smirked. I bet he hadn't seen _that_ coming. My plan was already taking action.

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**Hey, this chapter was originally a lot longer but I decided to split it into two chapters. I am just checking the second half over again. Yes, Jake will be more than just a pawn in Kathryn's game. Read and Review:D **


	5. Chapitre quatre

**Sorry it took so long! It would not let me upload this for a week! I have been trying for ages so sorry!**

"_Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that we cannot bear the pain. But we have already borne the pain, we have only yet to see what we are beyond it"- Kahlil Gibran. _

As soon as I got home I headed straight for the sanctuary of my room. I dropped my bad on my bed and slammed my folder onto the desk. It had been a fucking tiring day. Hell, it had been a fucking tiring _week_. Want to know why? It was because of the golden couple.

It was clear that Sebastian's moment of jealousy was nothing more than a slip up. He had been teasing and jealous purely out of habit. However, I soon realised that it was nothing but a momentary slip up. He couldn't have acted more indifferent or repulsed by me if he tried. It stung more than I would have liked for it to have. The whole week he had been with Annette and anytime they saw me, they shook their heads with disgust as if I was some child that had been naughty in class and had been sent to the headmaster's office.

"Oh fuck it!" I hissed to myself and dropped the pen which I had been trying to write my essay with. I knew what I needed. Fucking. I needed the relief of someone violently pushing inside of me. I bit my lip and almost hummed at the thought when Sebastian came in.

"Kathryn, exactly how many of my sex tapes do you plan on showing to the school this week?" He huffed angrily. Paula Johnstone had done her job and showed a tape of Sebastian and the head cheerleader going at it during assembly. It was the second tape that I had shown this week. There was a time where I would have flashed a seductive smile, said; "I plan on making one…with you," and let him eat me out. I wanted to do that right there and then. Sadly, things change.

"What are you talking about dear brother?" I asked sweetly. His jaw clenched and his hand formed a fist. God, I loved it when he got angry.

"Kathryn, leave us alone. You're silly little plan wont work. I love Annette and she loves me" he said, restraining himself.

"Let's just see how long it lasts shall we?" I asked. It felt _good_ to wind him up.

"It's going to last," he told me and left my room. _Thank God for that! _I thought and grabbed my phone to call one of my fuck toys. I dialled Paul Adrian Wood's number and let it ring once before hurriedly hanging up. I had a date with Jake on Saturday and if I wanted it to really look like I was falling in love, fucking someone else would not really help. I sighed angrily and took a hit from my crucifix to get rid of my tension instead. It worked…slightly. I still could not get the image of Sebastian's clenched jaw and tight muscles of his arm out of my twisted mind. A few minutes later I heard Annette enter the apartment and head for Sebastian's room.

"Annette, seriously don't!" I heard Sebastian's pleading voice float through the walls.

"I am not going to sit around and let her humiliate me like this Sebastian. Someone needs to get even with her and if you don't I will!" Annette's voice followed shortly after. It was a lot louder- she was right outside my door.

"You don't have anything on her, she will beat you Annette," Sebastian continued. _Too fucking right _I thought with a smirk.

"You're journal!" she replied and my smirk dropped off my face. "I will threaten to publish it". I waited to hear his reply, but none came. I could feel him think over what she said.

"You would be okay with that? You would do that?" Sebastian asked in a disbelieving tone. I didn't believe it either. The holy little virgin was not so innocent after all.

"Yes. She hurt me Sebastian and believe it or not, I want revenge," I heard her say before she knocked on my door. I didn't reply. I stood, frozen to the spot in shock. She knocked again…and once more. I didn't move an inch. All I could think about was the fact that she had read Sebastian's journal. Again, I found myself **feeling** more than I wished to.

"She must have gone out," Annette sighed.

"Or passed out," I heard Sebastian mutter under his breath. Tears pricked my eyes and I blinked in effort to stop them from falling but a couple still seeped out against my will. I still had **feelings** for Sebastian. I wiped the tears away angrily. Kathryn Merteuil did not cry. Feelings could come later, I needed something to blackmail Annette with **now**.

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"Blaine, that is not good enough! What else do you have? I need a secret, something I can use as leverage!" I demanded through the phone whilst striding into my favourite shop.

"Okay Duchess, I have exactly what you need. Did you know that Annette's father likes to shop in the junior section?" he replied over the phone.

"You're shitting me?" I gasped.

"Nope. Charges were never pressed or anything, but he had a little fling with a student from his old school. Oh! Only fifteen years old as well," he replied.

"This will be perfect; I will tell Goldilocks that if she publishes that journal or tells Jake anything about me, I will tell the world about her father!" I smiled.

"Hate to disappoint you Duchess, but you will need some proof," Blaine replied.

"That's what I have you for; I give you one day Blaine! I need this now!" I demanded.

"It's done," he replied and hung up. A smile spread across my face and I grabbed a dress that looked extremely expensive.

"Today is turning out to be better than expected," I whispered to myself, just before fate decided to disprove my statement. The 'Golden Couple' were there, standing in my favourite shop. Luckily, they were not alone. Standing next to them was the pervert himself- Annette's father.

"Well, I think a fashion show would be a great fundraiser, don't you Sebastian?" Annette asked and I saw Sebastian nod in agreement. I also saw him turn and roll his eyes.

"It sounds wonderful, why don't you talk to the manager then?" her father spoke once again. I was in a new mood of optimism and decided to make the most of this situation. I called Jake. Nothing more had happened since the kiss. We had gone into my room and talked politely whilst he studied me as if he was my shrink.

"Hello?" Jake's voice questioned down the phone.

"It's me, I was just calling to check that we still are arranged for Saturday?" I said warmly.

"Of course we are. I cannot wait. How's you're week been? I feel like I have barely seen you," he replied. It actually felt kind of nice to see that some people were still obsessed with me.

"I know! We have only just met, but I missed you," I said sweetly and plastered on my most genuine smile. At hearing this, Annette finally noticed me and I saw her nudge Sebastian and point in my direction.

"I missed you too. You are so different to the rest of Manchester Prep's population," he laughed.

"You're different too," I continued. Once I was sure Sebastian had heard me, I turned and left the shop, pretending that I had not seen them at all. I was sure that Sebastian would be pondering on that conversation for a while. Well, what can I say? I'm _good_.

………………


	6. Chapitre cinq

**Hey again. Thank you for the reviews. **

"_**Caged birds learn to accept each other, but flight is what they long for"- Tennessee Williams**_

I vigilantly finished applying the deep red lipstick to my lips. As always, they were perfect. It was Saturday and I was about to leave to meet Jake. I was furthering my bitter plan of revenge and hate. Even then, deep down, I knew what I was doing. I may have denied it, but I knew that my obsession with revenge was just a distraction. It was a task that provoked my interest and distracted me from my worries and vexations. In short, the idea of hurting Sebastian possessed me as a way of keeping the turmoil of feelings at bay. I put all of my energy and thoughts into achieving revenge and this distracted me from the hurt that was shadowing over me. But unfortunately, no one can run forever.

_She_ was here…again. It didn't bother me as much as usual as a cream coloured package sat on my desk. Blaine certainly worked fast. The corners of my lips turned up in a malicious smirk. It was the perfect time to speak to Annette; I was looking perfect and was about to go out on a date with her cousin.

I walked confidently into the sitting room. Here, my step-brother and Annette sat talking about something undoubtedly pathetic. They looked up at me and I relished in the look of inadequacy which passed across Annette's face when she saw what I was wearing. I was adorned in a grey dress which stopped just above the knee and fitted me to perfection. My nails were painted a deep, dark red which was bordering on a shade of black.

"Oh, Goldilocks is here," I said condescendingly. "Actually, I have some documents I need to give to your father… care to pass them on for me?" I asked smoothly and held out the cream package.

"Why should I do you any favours?" Annette asked. She was wearing the most revolting pastel coloured cardigan set.

"Because… these documents concern _you_," I said venomously. I saw Sebastian sit up in panic. He knew **that** tone of voice. The tone that we both used to use when we had something great planned. Annette looked at him nervously for a second before walking over to me and put her hand out to grasp the envelope.

"Uh-uh, you might want to look at these when no one else is around," I said glancing over at Sebastian meaningfully and I saw him open his mouth to protest.

"It's okay Sebastian. I will be one minute," Annette piped up and followed me into my room.

"What are they Kathryn?" Annette asked in a panicked voice once I had closed my door.

"Leverage. Take a look yourself," I said emotionlessly. I took pride in the shaking of her hands as she opened the envelope. I saw her eyes well up at the images she saw within that cream envelope.

"What is this?" she asked whilst gasping and dropping the photos to the floor. I went over to her and looked her in the eyes.

"Like I said; leverage. It turns out 'Daddy dearest' had a sordid affair with a minor. You do realise that he would go to jail if this evidence somehow landed in the police's hands, don't you?" I asked sweetly. Annette was shaking her head in disbelief. It was satisfying to reveal to her that the man she idolized was actually perverted.

"What do you want?" she asked. For a hick, she had picked up on the fact that I was blackmailing her very quickly.

"I want you to be silenced. You must never publish Sebastian's journal and you must never tell anyone any secrets of mine…understand?" I asked.

"Yes… I promise I won't show or tell anyone," she said whilst glancing back down at the photos of her father with the student. She stifled a sob.

"No. I don't trust promises made by dumb little hypocrites. Give me the journal and I swear, if I find out that you have made copies, I will hurt you," I said in a dangerous voice. She nodded.

"I will give it to you tomorrow," she said, her eyes looking anywhere but mine.

"Good girl. Now, I have to leave for my date with Jake…" I trailed off and her wide blue eyes looked up at me in horror.

"My cousin?" she spat out.

"Yes, and if you don't want your father becoming someone's 'bitch' in prison, you will keep you're mouth shut and not say anything to Jake," I warned and with that opened my door. "See you soon Annette," I flashed a fake smile and followed her out of my room. I watched her go into Sebastian's room and waited to hear what was said.

"What was in the envelope?" Sebastian asked concerned.

"Nothing, just my curriculum…Kathryn put me in some hard classes," Annette lied and I couldn't have been more pleased.

"You're lying…what was in there?" Sebastian demanded sounding hurt.

"Nothing! Just drop it okay?!" Annette snapped at him and I could literally hear Sebastian huff. Feeling contented with my work, I left the apartment and went to meet Jake.

…………………………………

**Exquisite**. Jake had taken me to one of my favourite restaurants and I was sipping on expensive red wine. We were talking lightly about the upcoming charity event and usually I would have been bored out of my fucking mind. However, I was on too much of a high from my talk with Annette to be bored.

"God, you're beautiful," Jake said to me leaning over the table and taking my hand. I should have been pleasantly surprised that he was so smoothly charming but it just reminded me of Sebastian. I just smiled and carried on pushing the salad around on my plate. I didn't want to feel bloated.

"So, I know charity functions can be a bit boring but do you want to come?" I asked.

"Yeah, it sounds wonderful" he said and flashed a strained smile that instantaneously reminded me of Sebastian again. It was the type of fake sweetness that Sebastian used to get into girls pants. _Maybe I underestimated him; maybe there is more to Jake than I thought_ I contemplated. "I think Annette is going, you could meet her!" Jake exclaimed and I almost laughed.

"That sounds wonderful! I read her manifesto from the summer, did you?" I asked.

"Yes, I did. She has such strong morals. I think it came from our grandparents, they rubbed off on me too," Jake said in a manner that made me wonder if he was lying. Just then, a blonde waitress came over with our deserts. She saw Jake, went all wide eyed and dropped the silver tray she was carrying. The stupid ditz just stood there with her mouth hanging open like some form of dog. I noticed that Jake looked panicky.

"How incompetent are you?" I asked her and gestured to the mess on the floor.

"Jake. You're still in Manhattan? You said you had to leave! Why didn't you call?" she asked tears welling up in her eyes. I would have found this extremely amusing if she had not been making a scene.

"Mandy, you have to stop doing this, we broke up. Now please get a different waitress to do our table," Jake said patronisingly.

"My name is Rebecca," the waitress cried and then turned and hurried out of the restaurant in tears. I looked at him in a slightly admiring way. It seemed that his grandparent's 'strong morals' hadn't rubbed off on him after all.

"I'm so sorry about that, she is some girl that I went out on a couple of dates with and she became obsessed with me. She wasn't very stable. I am so sorry," Jake said to me. Who did he think I was? I knew every lie in the book and Sebastian had used that excuse with girls many times. He may have fooled insipid debutantes, but he wouldn't fool me.

"Was that Mandy or Rebecca who was obsessed with you?" I asked sternly but let a smile tug at the edges of my lips.

"Kathryn, I swear that is the truth, she was obsessed with me, I am not some player," he pleaded.

"Bullshit. You will have to do better than that to fool me Jake," I said and I saw the shock on his face when I smiled. "Your place or mine?" I asked seductively.

"You're unbelievable," he smiled in awe of me; clearly shocked that I wasn't the 'good girl' I pretended to be. I hate to admit it, but a tiny bit of me hoped that maybe he would be like Sebastian.

……………………………………………

We had somehow managed to get home without tearing off each others clothes and now I was pushed up against the wall in my room. His hips were desperately pushed into mine. Jakes lips were on mine. It was the complete opposite of last time; it was hard, rough and fast. He bit at my bottom lip and I moaned into his mouth. His tongue forced my mouth open and met mine hungrily. His hands were trailing along my sides, thumbs stroking my breasts. I tangled my hand in his hair and tugged it. He groaned and his lips parted from mine. They trailed down to my neck and sucked there. I buckled. Heat was growing deep within me. I was so _aroused_. **God** he was good. My hands flew to his belt and rapidly undid it. He was forceful to the point of painful. His hands grasped my hips, fingers digging in and he hoisted me up around his waist. My legs were wrapped tightly around him. My back pressed into the wall. His arousal was pressing into my leg.

"Kathryn…" he moaned in a deep husky voice.

"Fuck…" I hissed as he flicked my clit. He certainly knew what he was doing. My dress was up around my waist, his shirt was off and his trousers undone. He pushed the strap of my dress down and grasped it roughly in his hand. It was sweet relief.

"You're so wet," he whispered as he eased a finger into me, stroking me. I bucked up against him. It was fucking great. I grasped the back of his neck, pulled his lips to mine slowly. Our lips were breath apart and I licked his bottom lip before saying; "fuck me".

"Oh…god!" he groaned and then pushed into me. I was so caught up in it. It was just making my mind blur, my body set alight. The memories are flying through my head- I can't stop them.

"_You've got yourself a bet baby"_

Jake was thrusting hard.

"_You don't love me anymore"_

His lips attacked my neck…my breasts.

"_I'm completely infatuated with her"_

I couldn't speak, my throat was so hoarse, it was so good.

"_You're just a toy Sebastian"_

The heat was building inside of me and I could feel his back muscles tense I was bucking helplessly.

"_I love Annette and she loves me"_

I was there. I was hitting my high with a long groan. He was thrusting erratically and suddenly all I could think about was Sebastian.

"Sebastian" I moaned quietly and I felt Jake stop for a second. He looked at me curiously then realisation hit his face. I expected him to run, to yell, just to do _something_. He didn't.

He kissed me.

………………………………………………


	7. Chapitre six

"_The glamour _

_Of childish days is upon me, my manhood is cast  
Down in the flood of remembrance, I weep like a child for the past"_

_- DH Lawrence 'The Piano'_

That night I dreamt of my childhood; when I was untouched by cruelty or evil. I dreamt of my friend named Sarah-Jane. Like me, she was from a family with a much respected name and we were inseparable. Sadly, she became close with another girl from my class. Our friendship ended and I had been convinced that my life had too. The next day, a girl called Elizabeth Deamure invited me around to her home. Suddenly, I had a new best friend and my days with Sarah-Jane were as good as forgotten. Sarah-Jane was replaceable.

I woke up wishing to see deep blue eyes and curly blonde hair. I was met with deep blue eyes and **dark** hair- Jake. I found myself wishing that like Sarah-Jane, Sebastian would be replaceable. I hoped that I would be able to find another companion who would erase Sebastian out of my thoughts.

"You're fucked up, you know that?" Jake whispered between light feathery kisses. I felt like I was high- which was extremely ironic seeing as I hadn't snorted coke for quite a while.

"Are you not?" I asked with conviction.

"No," he told me so confidently that I believed him.

"Yet you go around fucking everything that walks?" I asked bluntly. "Is someone a little lonely?" I teased rolling my eyes.

"You cannot be lonely if you like the person that you are alone with," he quoted and I straight away recognised it.

"Wayne Dyer," I replied as if he had actually asked me who had said that. He just smiled and pulled me on top of him so that our bodies were perfectly aligned.

"Last night was…" he left the sentence open for my imagination. "Can it become a regular thing?" he asked. I knew that question was coming. In fucking, practice really does make perfect.

"If you are a good boy and don't tell anyone about last night, then yes. I am willing to meet up with you and fuck you again," I instructed him. I was subconsciously making a list of things I could blackmail him with to keep him quiet.

"My lips are sealed," he mumbled before going and placing said lips on my neck and sucking gently. My hand tangled into his black mop of hair. I looked down at the supposedly not fucked up boy and found myself thinking that maybe it was possible that Sebastian could be replaceable after all.

…………………………………….

I gently placed my crucifix around my neck and went to unscrew it. My hand hovered for a second or two and then I retracted it. I was satisfied with the rather amazing fucking session I had had with Jake the night before. I headed out of my room to go and meet my mother and Sebastian's father for lunch. They were back from their trip and wanted to briefly talk to me before setting off to some other country. Unfortunately, I had the displeasure of bumping into Sebastian and Annette in the sitting room. He was kissing her cheek and saying goodbye and just before she exited the building, she gave me a little nod and gestured towards the door man.

"Ms. Kathryn, a package for you," he said as soon as he saw me and I quickly took it off of him. Sebastian looked at me with an angry expression as I walked past him and left. As soon as I was in the safety of the limo, I ripped open the package rather ungracefully. The leather-bound journal lay in my hands, taunting me and begging for me to read it. For the second time today, I hesitated. I was afraid of what I might find in there. I was afraid of what Sebastian thought of me. The scent of the leather made my mind betray me back to memories I would rather have kept buried.

"_Could you be more queer?"_

"_Could you be more desperate to read it?"_

The bet. That **fucking** bet. I couldn't fathom words strong enough to describe how I felt about that bet. It stole everything from me. It stole the boy I used to taunt and play with. It stole my only confident. The insidious mastery of the scent of leather kept taking me back;

"_A paradigm of chastity and virtue"_

Annette. The 'good girl' he fucking fell for. I turned the journal over in my hands. I realised that I didn't want to read what he said about me. It would do nothing but tarnish my memories of our 'happy' times together. I wanted to keep the era of Sebastian and I perfectly polished. I had slowly reached to place the journal in my handbag when the limo door swung open. It was only then that I realised I hadn't told the driver to where I exactly wanted to go to and that we had not even started moving. I sat frozen in horror whilst my mind was trapped in the past. The journal lay tightly in my grip and I sat rigid. Pouty lips opened up to gape in surprise and I was too stunned to force out a scathing remark. Minutes must have past while Sebastian went between staring at me and staring at the journal lying in my hands. It felt like an eternity before Sebastian broke the silence.

"How did you…when did you… did you?" he stuttered. His panic gave me a chance to gather myself together.

"Are you getting in or not? I am not waiting around all fucking day for you Valmont" I scathed, forever the Ice Queen. He got in silently, his shock turning into annoyance. He got in with jerky, fast movement and spat the destination to the driver.

"…How dare you steal that from Annette," he paused worriedly before he had even started.

"I didn't steal it fuckwit, she gave it to me," I replied with a tone that told him to drop it.

"Give it back Kathryn!" he yelled. He was hysterical now, sitting opposite me in his gorgeous black suit. He was the epitome of beauty; he was the epitome of betrayal.

"Don't even try it Valmont. Goldilocks won't come out too well if you do," I warned him and he slumped slightly in his seat; defeated.

"Did you…did you read it?" he asked. His voice was tentative and he crossed and uncrossed his legs. He always did that when he was nervous. I saw a flicker of worry and strangely **remorse** pass over his face. It felt like how it used to. It felt like he cared. I realised that he must have written something despicable about me and it stung. I realised that his opinion of me must have been extremely low and it hurt more than I ever wished it would. It was like he had just spat all over our history.

"What do you think?" I returned, unsure whether I wanted to make him think I had or not, so I just turned the question around on him instead. Suddenly, we both lost the desire to speak. Silence lay heavily over us and the tension was greater than it would have been if there was a maniac with a gun sitting next to me. The silence was heavy, uncomfortable and stifling. I suddenly became very anxious about where to put my hands. After fifteen or so minutes without a word being uttered, Sebastian tried to speak up:

"Kat, are you planning revenge? …Kat I'm sor" he started. It was too late for his apologies. I cut him off briskly.

"We are here. We will go in there, we will act civil and when we leave, you will stay the fuck away from me, alright?" I interrupted as we pulled up. I got out of the limo before he could reply.

…………………………

………………………………………

**oneamsoundstage****- yes, he does seem to have his own agenda, doesn't he? You will just have to wait and see!**

**SalvaVeritate****- thanks for your support :D it is not half as good as your Desunt Cetera. Haha, no Jake is not gay or related to Kathryn and yes, you are a KS traitor!**

**Reichsfuhrer****-**** thanks for all of your lovely reviews! When I get nice reviews it makes me want to work so much faster.**

**PixieDreamer21****- Jake does have similarities to Kathryn and also to Sebastian- don't worry though, he does have many differences. **

**wayhott4u****- thank you, that is a lovely compliment. I am not entirely sure it is true but would love for it to be!**

**RAWRXIMAXDINOSAUR****- thanks, I hope it is a good read.**

**Urangel****- don't worry it wont be a fast mover. As you can see, Sebastian's jealousy was a momentary slip. **

**See that little button there? If you press it and review something magical happens- it makes me happy! **


	8. Chapitre sept

"_A man can be himself only so long he is alone"_

_-Arthur Schopenhauer_

"Mother! Edward! How was the trip?" I asked warmly and embraced them both as soon as I saw them in the restaurant.

"Lovely Kathryn, but we missed you two," Edward smiled and held me a bit longer than he needed to. Edward made me want to be sick. He always went out of his way to touch me or look at me. Despite the fact my step-brother and I have fooled around on many occasions, incest really did disgust me.

"Edward, Tiffany," Sebastian greeted moodily. I sat down next to Edward and opposite Sebastian who was next to my mother. I felt Edwards hand resting on my leg in a manner that was too casual to be taken as perverse but too high up to be taken as fatherly.

"So Sebastian, Edward tells me you have a girlfriend! I think it is just wonderful that you are settling down. Tell me all about her," my mother said in a sugary sweet tone. Edward's hand squeezed my leg slightly and smiled. God this was going to be a long lunch. I suddenly regretted not taking that cocaine earlier.

"Her name is Annette Hardgrove and she is perfect. She is a really _good_ person," Sebastian explained.

"Daughter of the new Headmaster, am I right?" Tiffany asked. She always has been obsessed with social standing.

"That's right. She wants to meet you two even though I have warned her against it," Sebastian huffed rudely.

"That sounds lovely!" Edward quipped before turning to me. "How are you and Court Kathryn? Still together?" he asked me in an annoyingly patronising tone whilst his hand ran up and down my leg. I stiffened at the name.

"He is a very respected boy," my mother dearest added and my jaw clenched.

"Yes and he is very nice too. I'm sure he makes you feel _good_," Edward said in a very suggestive manner and his hand trailed dangerously close to my inner thigh. I felt tears threaten to prick my eyes. My mother was yet again putting pressure on me. Edward was once again trying to molest me. Bad memories once again threatened to surface. It was **too** much. I couldn't bring myself to answer. I felt like I couldn't breathe. My two 'parents' seemed to be leaning towards me menacingly. My mind swam and soon I was drowning in it. Then;

"He is an absolute imbecile! His foolish actions have been tarnishing his name, so Kathryn broke it off with him. Everyone has been praising her about her decision all week," Sebastian rescued me. I gaped in awe then regained my composure.

"Really? Well done then Kathryn, I hope you made the right decision," Tiffany said warily. I just stared at Sebastian who offered nothing but a small smile. Suddenly I noticed how pained he looked when he looked at me. It was like it hurt him to remember. My mother carried on talking to Sebastian who stifled a yawn. I hadn't noticed how tired he looked before then. I also hadn't paid any attention to the fading bruise adorning his temple. Ronald must have hit him hard. Tiny details my anger let me ignore suddenly became apparent to me.

"_He fucking jumped at me in the street! I was an inch away from getting run over! You could have __**killed**__ me"_

"_Kathryn, don't you think you have hurt me enough?"_

"_You won. You showed you were better than me, you proved that after __everything __that I was nothing to you."_

Had I been so blissfully ignorant to believe that I had not hurt Sebastian at all? That he truly deserved everything I did to him? Did he deserve the revenge I was planning? All of these thoughts ran through me head as he defended me. After everything, he still stood up for me. I couldn't sit and watch him any longer. I briskly got up- pushing Edward's hand off me in the process- and headed for the ladies room. I leant with my hands on the cool granite sink and stared at my reflection in the mirror; too fat, too ugly, not perfect. I thought of Annette; innocent, beautiful, good. I ran into a cubicle and threw up the contents of my stomach. I briefly wondered if I could throw up all of the poison inside of me.

………………………………

The way back was once more spent mostly in silence. It was less uncomfortable than the last time. Sebastian and I sat next to each other now but refused eye contact. Once I had cleaned up and come back from the bathroom, the lunch had carried on with meaningless chat. Sebastian had sent me encouraging looks throughout the meal. Guilt kept throbbing up in my throat. It was an emotion I had rarely ever felt. We pulled up to the house and I still do not know if it was the guilt or the hit of coke I had taken in the bathroom that made me do what I did next. I turned to Sebastian and looked at the bruise decorating him.

"Sebastian…I'm sorry…about Ronald. I shouldn't have sent him after you," I said and saw Sebastian's head snap around to look at me in disbelief.

"Why are you saying this?" he asked angrily. He was cautious. He thought that I was just playing games. For once, I didn't blame him.

"Because…I may hate you and you may have betrayed me but… the thought of losing **you** scares me," I said in a moment of harsh honesty. My hands were shaking slightly and I knew that it wasn't from the cocaine.

"Kathryn… I don't deserve to be hated by you," he replied softly. He was like a predator- sensing the weakness and using it to his advantage.

"You fell in love," I said quietly and then shook myself. "You fell in love!" I repeated, stronger now.

"If you are scared of losing me, don't do something that might make you do just that," he said sternly before softening and repeating; "I don't deserve it". I didn't know what to reply. I didn't know if I believed him or not. I opted for silence and left.

When I reached my room I slammed the doors behind me. I leant against my vanity table breathing quick, shallow breaths. My reflection glared back at me from the mirror. It was **dangerous**, **evil** and **seductive**. It glared at me **scared**, **lonely** and **closed**. I pondered over and over again about which three I was. I knew where I would find my answers; Sebastian's journal.

I opened the journal slowly. After all the years of wondering, I would finally find out. It still shocked me that he had kept this faggot journal for so many years. I flicked through pages and pages of his conquests until I finally saw myself. I had never seen the photo before. I was sleeping when it had been taken. The words 'I'm a bitch' were printed above it. Then I found it. The section about _me._ My photo was in the centre and my barely existing heart tightened in my chest. 'Promiscuous', 'coke problem' and other horrific words surrounded my face. Each word was true. Each word was painful. I felt myself drop the journal and I slept walked over towards my mirror. My face was staring back, scarred with the words he wrote about me. My fist made collided with the cool glass quickly and I did not even feel the pain. My face shattered before my eyes until I couldn't even see myself anymore.

_**He deserved it. **_

………………………………

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**RAWRXIMAXDINOSAUR****-** Yes Jake is a huge part of the story. He will become a very major character. Thanks for the review! Please keep reviewing it makes me really pleased 

**valmontmerteuil****- **Thank you for all of your reviews! You truly are a star  For you, I have managed to update in under 24 hours! There you go!

**PixieDreamer21**- you won't have to wonder much longer; a big A/S scene is in the next chapter! Thanks for your encouraging reviews.

**SalvaVeritate-** I liked that quote too! LOL. You are making me blush now ha-ha! Thanks so much.

**wayhott4u****- **I want to thank you for your reviews, they are all so encouraging!

**oneamsoundstage****- **here you go! 


	9. Chapitre huit

"_You were spitting venom at most everyone you know,_

_If the damned gave you a road map then you'd know which way to go"_

_Spitting Venom-Modest Mouse_

The next day, I was ready to execute my plan. I was so certain of what I wanted to do, I was unstoppable. All my doubts about whether it was right to hurt Sebastian were forgotten. All my feelings had been turned to stone. I was ready... I was going to win this war no matter what. I knew what my next step was to be; to get Jake on a tight leash. I would need him to be willing to do whatever I wanted him to. I would need to tell him about my plan and therefore would have to make sure he did not tell anyone of my true nature. I needed power over him. Kathryn Merteuil- cold, cruel, **omnipotent**.

…………………………………………………….

"Kathryn, what do you want to drink?" Jake yelled from his kitchen. I was sitting in his very plush living room checking my watch. I had just enough time before we would have to go to that bloody charity event.

"Come in here for a second, I need your opinion on something"

"Sure. What do you need my opinion…" he trailed off. I was leaning back on his settee wearing only a very sheer dark blue teddy; my dress was hanging over the arm of the settee.

"Do you think this looks good on me?"

"Oh…God…yes"

"I don't know... I think I would look better without it" I said in an innocent tone.

"Oh…fuck" he whispered as I pulled it off and leaned back on my elbows completely naked. He walked over and sat next to me. I quickly straddled him. He grabbed the back of my neck and kissed me roughly. My lips trailed from his and I licked the shell of his ear temptingly before biting the lobe gently. My hand slid between us and found its way to his zipper. I ran my hand over the growing bulge before pressing my body into him and grinding on his crotch. My breasts were pressed hard into his chest and his hands roamed up and down my back and thighs. He whimpered and groaned as I grinded into his erection.

"Jake?" I asked, licking along the column of his neck.

"Hmm?"

"I have a proposition for you"

"Hmm?" he groaned too distracted by my ministrations to speak. I unzipped his trousers and my hand met his hardened heated flesh. He twitched in my hand and my fingers wrapped gently around him.

"Do you want me?" I kissed his lips sensually.

"Mmm!" he moaned in agreement.

"Do you want to be able to bury yourself into me every day?" I placed the head of his penis at my entrance.

"Every fucking day"

"Do you want to fuck me in every position you can imagine?" I sunk down onto him, taking his entire length inside me. He cried out in pleasure.

"Yes!" he hissed. I smiled and got up off him, pulled my teddy on and my dress on. "Kathryn?" he asked in confusion and pulled me towards him by my hips.

"You can have that Jake, _if_ you prove you're worthy," I pulled away from him. His annoyance was overruled by his arousal. He was impossibly hard and panting. I had him right where I wanted him.

"And how do I do that?" he asked. I leant in to lick his bottom lip.

"I'll tell you at the fundraiser…now come on we don't want to be late, do we?" I asked in an innocent voice. I had laid my hook and was waiting for him to bite. I was certain that by the end of the night I would have Jake at my beck and call.

………………………………………..

I was expecting that night to be excruciatingly infuriating. Do not misinterpret me, I was expecting it to be extremely productive **but** I was painfully turned on, going to a charity function filled with my mother's judgmental friends and it was all arranged by Annette. So yes, I was expecting it to be infuriating.

The arrival was as expected; mother and her friends fussed over me and scrutinised me. I walked around arm in arm with Jake whilst whispering in his ear that if he was on his best behaviour, I would tell him how to be deemed 'worthy' in my eyes. It worked! He acted as golden as Annette. I was in the middle of a mind-numbingly boring conversation with Edward's associate when the golden couple decided to make an entrance. And what an entrance they made! Sebastian practically stormed through the doors and to my delight, I realised that Annette still hadn't told him about me blackmailing her.

"Sebastian don't make a scene," I could hear Annette from across the room.

"Don't order me around when you won't even tell me what happened with Kathryn!"

"Not here Sebastian, we will talk about this later".

"Or you could tell me now".

"Christ Sebastian, you really don't know when to just drop it do you? You insensitive bastard, stay away from me tonight," Annette strode off in her cheap looking blue dress. I was practically giddy with joy. I saw Sebastian sigh and head towards the bar and I quickly followed him. He had already drunk one shot by the time I got there.

"Trouble in paradise?" I asked taking a seat next to Sebastian. It was the first time we had spoken since the incident in the limo. I was determined to act like Annette and pretend that I had 'changed for the good' but I couldn't help but gloat for a minute. Sebastian just glared at me crossly.

"She even blasphemed! What have you turned her into Sebastian?" I asked.

"This coming from you?" he growled angrily. I could tell that I was starting to wind him up.

"Oh I hit a nerve! No, seriously Sebastian, I am sorry that you guys are arguing," I said putting on my best 'sincere' voice. Sebastian looked at me in astonishment.

"Sure you're fucking sorry," Sebastian replied.

"I am Sebastian, I don't want you to be unhappy," I said gently. It was fucking **priceless**. The way Sebastian was staring at me, you might have thought that I had just grown another head.

"Next you're going to tell me that you are joining a convent," he rolled his eyes in disbelief.

"Do you really think that I can't see you love her? Do you think I have no sentiment at all?" I asked. I could have laughed at the stupidity of those questions but I managed to keep a straight face.

"Yes I really do," he deadpanned.

"That's funny, I used to think that you would never fall in love with someone else," I said quietly. "Clearly, I was wrong. Maybe you're wrong too Sebastian".

As I turned and left I could feel the shock radiating off of my step-brother. _One down_ I thought. Now I just needed Jake to bite so I could reel him in…

……………………………………….

Hey all! As you know, I was away for ten days so sorry for the huge delay. BUT I am back on track. This was originally just one big chapter but I have cut it in half and am going to post up the other half as another chapter once I have touched it up. I hope you enjoy. There will be a lot more of Kathryn's plan and Jake from now on!

REVIEWS PLEASE :D


	10. Chapitre nuef

_IMPORTANT NOTE:_

_Hello all my lovely reviewers. Firstly, I wanted to apologise for not updating quickly- I have been away on holiday for AGES! _

_Secondly, I replaced my authors note with chapter 9, therefore you won't have got any new chapter alerts…SO read chapitre huit__ before reading this chapter! So, I have actually updated twice even though you will only have one alert. Please review both chapters :) _

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"_I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would just be beating a dead horse"- Woody Allen_

"Jake! Did you know that your cousin is currently dating my step-son Sebastian Valmont?" my mother asked. It had taken me a couple of minutes to locate Jake. I was about to head to the bar for another drink when I spotted him sitting at a table with my mother and three of her annoying friends. On my way over to him, an evil little plan had popped up in my head and it didn't take me long to execute.

"No, I didn't. Kathryyynn…. Didn't tell me," he said breathlessly. I had to suppress a smirk when I heard him stutter on my name; my hand had been teasingly running up and down his erection under his trousers for the last minute. My mother frowned at his tone in confusion before carrying on with her gossiping.

"Sebastian is settling down? How lovely! You four should double date," Felicity Woodacre piped up. She was smiling but her grip on her fork tightened considerably - Sebastian and she had fooled around for a few consecutive weeks last year. I ran my fingertip gently over the head of Jake's manhood.

"That's a…good…idea," he managed to say before loudly banging his fist on the table. The women looked slightly concerned for his sanity.

"Are you okay dear?" my mother queried. I sped up my strokes before cupping his balls.

"Fine thanks," Jake squeaked. Luckily for him, the women were convinced and they went back to conversing amongst themselves.

"My god Kathryn," Jake whispered to me.

"Jake… do you want to prove yourself worthy yet?" I asked running my one silky finger over his weeping tip. He closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath, trembling beneath my touch.

"Kathryn, if you don't hurry up and tell me how to prove myself worthy I am going to go mad," he groaned angrily.

"Well, I need your help…" I squeezed him gently, "…with Sebastian".

"What about Sebastian?" Jake's voice had suddenly become serious.

"I need you to pretend that we are together and that we are in love," I whispered making sure to lick the shell of his ear and let out a tiny moan in his ear. He gulped.

"Is that it? I just need to tell people that we are in love and dating and I am proved worthy?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yes that's it. I will, of course, need you to keep quiet about this arrangement," I continued. I pressed my body into his side and sped up my strokes.

"Of course, I won't tell anyone!" he said enthusiastically. "So am I worthy to 'fuck you in every position I can imagine'?" he asked.

"Uh-huh" I smiled nodding my head before pecking him on the lips. I was about to withdraw my hand from his trousers when he spoke again.

"Why?" he frowned slightly, caution evident in his light blue eyes. It was such a simple question but I was not sure I could trust him with the answer. To be honest, I wasn't even sure what the answer was. Because I wanted to get the old Sebastian back? Because I wanted him to fall for me and then break his heart? I was not willing to voice my answer yet so replied in the only other way I could think of. My hand squeezed his length before vigorously pumping up and down his length. His length twitched in my hand as I brought him to climax and he bit into a bread roll to keep from moaning out loud.

"Are you in or are you out?" I asked firmly.

"Baby, I am in," he replied.

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	11. Chapitre dix

Hey, sorry for my ridiculously short and badly written last chapter. I was really tired while writing it but knew I had to hurry up and get it posted so I did a really shitty job of it! I needed to put it in though to show you how the arrangement between Kathryn and Jake works out. I really feel that it was some of my worst work. I hope you found it okay. Here is (hopefully) a much better chapter:

"_No, we're never gonna quit  
Ain't nothing wrong with it  
Just acting like we're animals"_

_- Nickelback, Animals._

No matter what the consequences were after that day, I always look back on the charity event with glee. No matter how much I have changed and how much _has_ changed, I still find pleasure in manipulating everyone around me. Looking back now, I cannot help but smirk at the memory of Sebastian and Annette's fight. I cannot help the fact that I take pride in other people's misfortune and unhappiness; I am just wired that way.

"Jesus," I had hissed out, my hands tugging on the dark hair they were tangled in. Jake's tongue was _extremely_ talented. My hips were rocking to the rhythm his tongue was setting. My dress was up around my waist, my panties shoved carelessly aside and my slim leg hooked over Jake's shoulder. His teeth grazed **that** spot and I felt myself edging nearer and nearer climax. The heat was coiling inside of my, my muscles tensing and I started scratching at the base of his neck.

"Fuck, I'm going t…" I started but was interrupted by Jake's hand covering my mouth. His lips stopped, my mind blurred with confusion and I pushed my body towards him in a silent plea for him to continue his ministrations.

"Shh!" he whispered and pulled me further into the shadows of the alleyway. We had sneaked out of the back entrance of the hall and had been fooling around in the rather dank and dirty alley around the back. To my great frustration, someone else had clearly decided to sneak out as well.

"Here you go my friend," one male figure said. I instantly recognised the voice as Blaine's.

"Thanks you, you have no idea how much I needed this," the other figure replied. I hurriedly realigned my panties and shoved my dress down- it was Sebastian's voice and if I was trying to make him believe I was all holy and good like Annette, him seeing me be eaten out in an alley would **not** help.

"I miss you Valmont, you haven't come for a joint in forever," I rolled my eyes. Annette sure had Sebastian on a tight leash; she wasn't even letting him see Blaine.

"Yeah, well I kind of quit," Sebastian mumbled between puffs.

"You 'kind of quit'?" Blaine teased.

"Shut up!" Sebastian snapped, always on the defensive.

"So why are you smoking with me tonight?" Blaine asked. Sebastian sighed and ran a hand through his perfect blonde curls. "Wait! Don't tell me: you are already tiring of boring of a certain blonde virgin?" it is moments like that that make me want to be closer to Blaine.

"No… it's just that things between Annette and I aren't like what I thought they would be," Sebastian replied. I resisted Jake's hand tugging me to sneak back inside and stayed to listen. He looked defeated and stood watching me with a somewhat melancholy look on his face.

"From different worlds Valmont, Kathryn was right after all," Blaine said gently.

"No, that's not it! I mean yes, we are really different but that's not why it isn't working. It's Kathryn. I just know she has done something to Annette or said something to Annette. She got my journal, so she must have blackmailed her or something. She is causing a rift between us and I don't even know how! " Sebastian fumed. It seemed that he still preferred to blame **me** and protect _her_. There was a few seconds silence then and I felt Jake's hand rest gently on my waist as I looked longingly at Sebastian.

"Kathryn…let's go inside," he whispered. Before I could reply, the back door swung open and Annette walked out past us. Luckily, we were hidden from her view.

"Sebastian! You're smoking pot?!" she yelled. "Drugs are no way to sort out your problems". I swear to God, I had to bite my and from bursting out laughing. She was making such a fucking idiot out of herself.

"Annette, it's not a big deal," his tone was patronising and bored.

"You are such a jackass," she whispered angrily.

"Annette, what am I supposed to do?! Here you are completely controlling my life but you won't even tell me what happened with Kathryn! You won't even tell me why _she_ has **my** journal!" Sebastian yelled while Blaine stood by smiling like a school girl. I was sure that my grin mirrored his. I felt a rush of power flow through my body at the knowledge that this 'golden couples' spat was caused by me.

"Fine! I'll tell you…CAN WE HAVE SOME PRIVACY PLEASE?" she yelled gesturing to Blaine. I saw Blaine's look of disgust and revelled in the fact that Sebastian looked mad at how rude the hick was being to his friend. Blaine raised his eyebrows (which still clash terribly with his fake blonde hair) and went back inside.

"What happened? Why the fuck did you give her my journal?" Sebastian asked.

"Your sister is crueller than I thought Sebastian. That day when Kathryn said she had some documents for my father, they weren't my curriculum," Annette's eyes watered at the memory of those pictures. "She said that if I didn't give her your journal and…if I didn't promise to never tell anyone anything I know about her that she would show everyone the documents," Annette said slowly and clearly, pausing in horror.

"What were the documents?" Sebastian asked but was answered by silence. "What could have possibly been important enough to give Kathryn _my_ journal?" Sebastian yelled angrily.

"They are about my father! He…he had an affair," Annette said and broke down in tears. It was a revolting sight. Sebastian's hands (which hand been clenched into tight fists) relaxed and lay limp at his sides. He quickly gathered himself and gathered her in his strong arms. I could practically feel his breath on her neck as his pouty lips kissed her cheek sweetly.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"It's okay. Sebastian… are we okay?" Annette asked pleadingly.

"Yeah…yeah we are. We just need to sort some things out," Sebastian said with a gentle sigh. I grasped Jake's wrist and pulled him silently through the door. They might have had some things to 'sort out' but I would do everything in my power to make that impossible for them.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

I didn't have to snort my usual cocaine to get a high. Whilst Annette and Sebastian were doing Sebastian's most hated thing (talking about 'feelings'), I was getting fucked by Jake. The more time I was spending with him, the more I actually liked him. Not only was he a painfully good fuck, but he wasn't as insipid as my usual dates. Yet I did not consider the idea that he could compare to Sebastian. Sebastian life was too entangled with mine. It was a product of us growing up together; I considered him to be my other half, we were always two of a kind.


	12. Chapitre onze

_Hey all reviewers! Thanks so much for your patience and lovely reviews. I am quite proud of this chapter (which is strange because it is not particularly well written or long). But please enjoy and review._

The red light was taunting me. I was sure of it. It was paying me back for all the bad things I had done. 2:30 Am. I hated my alarm clock! I hadn't slept a wink. I suppose it was all the anger and aggression pent up inside me that prevented me from relaxing. Jake was out cold beside me. The boy really had no conscience. How could he have slept after signing his soul over to the devil? 3:00 Am. I sighed and dug my nails into my palms. Everything had been going according to plan; Sebastian was arguing with Annette, I had just been gloriously fucked. Then why was I so uneasy? I felt as if I had slipped up. Had I forgotten to do something? It wasn't _guilt_. At least I **hoped** it wasn't. Now looking back, I realise that I had spent all my time and energy planning and executing my revenge and I was wearing myself out. A steady diet of drugs, alcohol and lies was finally taking its effect. I sighed again and turned over.

"What's up...you okay?" Jake mumbled in a sleepy voice. He turned over to face me. God, I loved how his hair looked in the morning; messed up and scruffy.

"I'm bored," I said in a whiny voice with a little pout. He let out a little chuckle and smiled. "So red, so…delectable," I whispered whilst my finger traced his bottom lip. The tip of my finger slipped into his mouth for a second before pulling out again. I took his lip between my teeth and tugged gently. He pulled away and kissed me sleepily.

"Bored huh? I can think of something we can do…if you want to?" he mumbled.

"Fuck me," I said and flipped him onto him back, straddling him.

"Okay…after you tell me what happened between you and Sebastian," he was such a perceptive little fuckwit. I froze.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Why do you want him to think we are in love?" suddenly he seemed wide awake. I was stumped. He had caught me off guard. I tried to grind into him but he gripped my hips and held me still. "Kathryn?"

"Do you want to fuck or not?" I hissed at him through clenched teeth.

"Not until you tell me…but I can see that will take a while, so come on," he lifted me off of him and got up to get dressed. My mouth hung open in shock and I felt the anger burn inside of me.

"Are you turning me down?!" I hissed.

"No. I just want to do something other than fuck with you. Come on Kathryn, I want to get to know you," his tone of voice somehow soothed the angry flames that he had aroused within me. I had been in situations like this millions of times, when someone wanted to get to know the real 'me'. I of course lied and pretended that I was still the Mary Sunshine I always act like.

"Okay," I smiled a big fake grin.

"Come on then," he moaned and carried on getting dressed. I followed his lead and put on a little black dress I had bought earlier that week.

"Where are we going? You better not take me somewhere lame," I warned, forever the bitch.

"Out. Just trust me will you?" he asked. Trust. I was incapable of that. I hadn't even trusted Sebastian fully. How was I ever meant to trust this beautiful boy, who quoted Wayne Dyer and slept peacefully despite all the girls' hearts he broke? **Trust**. Suddenly it hit me why I was so nervous and edgy. I had nothing to blackmail Jake with. I had put some of my cards in his hands. I had trusted his promise that he wouldn't tell anyone about our arrangement. Never before had I slipped up so badly. I knew what it was down to. I wished that it was just me getting sloppy, but it wasn't. It was down to **trust**. I had trusted him. I had befriended him. He was staring at me, waiting for an answer. My mouth remained firmly closed but I took his hand and followed him out of my room.

"BLAINE! I don't care what time it is, I wouldn't be calling if this wasn't important. Right I need everything you can find on _Jake Hardgrove_, okay?" I yelled down the phone. The restroom door had opened but I shot the girl a dirty look and she left again.

"Hardgrove? The hick's cousin?" he asked in disbelief.

"YES! Now listen to me, I need everything you can find. I know he fucks everyone but I need more than that okay?" I was being hysterical now. My nails were digging into my palms, leaving little half moon cuts and my breathing was shallow and quick.

"Okay, I will find something to blackmail him with, I'll be quick," Blaine seemed to have sensed my tone and decided to be efficient for once.

"No, not just _something_, I need to know _everything_: his childhood friends, the drinks he likes, his favourite parent, his childhood sweetheart," I spat out.

"...Why?" Blaine asked after a pause. Why? _Because he is affecting me more than I would like him to? Because he reminds me of Sebastian?_ Thoughts ran through my head.

"I just need to know".

"Okay princess. It sounds like you're falling for him," I seethed. At that moment, I really hated the faggot.

"I don't fall for people Blaine".

"What about Sebastian?" he teased. I was getting closer and closer to the edge.

"Well, look how well that turned out," I replied and hung up. My hands were shaking as I unscrewed my crucifix and when I finally managed to undo it, my shaking hands caused me to spill its contents onto the floor.

"FUCK!" I screamed. I took a few deep breaths and exited the restroom and went back into the club. The music was loud and convenient, (it silenced my thoughts). I studied the people on the dance floor as I searched for Jake. The club had only just opened and already it was extremely popular, I wondered how Jake had managed to get us in. I was just heading towards the bar when hands grabbed me around my waist. I was pulled against a muscular body. I manoeuvred myself out of the fuckwit's grip and gave him a look that clearly told him to fuck off.

"Hey, you okay?" Jake asked emerging from the crowd. "Get lost buddy," he told the guy that grabbed me.

"Fine," I smirked and pulled his hips to mine. "Dance with me". I was lost in my senses. My lack of cocaine was making me slightly shaky. I was once again pleasantly surprised when I realised that he was a good dancer.

"Relax, have fun," he yelled above the music to me and rubbed the small of my back to comfort me. I stopped shaking. I still wanted coke, but I settled for the numbness of the few drinks I had consumed earlier. Our hips swayed in time and he pecked me on the lips before turning me around so that my back was pressed against his chest.

"Check out 'Abercrombie' in the blue shirt," he said into my ear and pointed at a very American looking teenage guy who was trying to hit on a group of girls.

"Pathetic…oh wait…red dressed slut is going to dance with him," I said back, an evil smirk playing on my face as I pointed out the tackily dressed girl to Jake. He laughed in return. I turned my head to kiss him. He slowed his dance moves as he captured my lips with his. Our tongues lightly danced over each others and I smiled into the kiss, causing him to smile back. Then I felt _**it**_. I immediately knew who was looking at me. Eyes were burning holes into me. I pulled away and turned my head back. My eyes locked with his- Sebastian.

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	13. Chapitre douze

"_Never thought I'd get any higher,_

_Never thought you'd fuck with my brain,_

_Never thought this could ever expire,_

_Never thought you'd go break the chain._

_Me and you baby, _

_Used to flush all the pain away._

_So before I end my days,_

_Remember my sweet prince, you are the one"-_

_Placebo-My Sweet Prince_

Our eyes locked and he held my gaze. He didn't smile nor did he frown. We just stared at each other, our eyes filled with so many disguised emotions. We always wore disguises. I wondered if there was ever a time when we didn't. _**She**_ came up to him and he looked at her for a second before looking back at me. My shock at Annette being in the club was dulled by the look in his eyes. She became obsolete. The arms wrapped around my waist became obsolete and all of my panicking earlier suddenly seemed pointless. When Jake was here, standing next to Sebastian, it became clear that getting Blaine to find out all about Jake's past was silly. I didn't care. Annette was dancing with Sebastian now with clean, gentle movements- she really was an amateur. But he wasn't paying attention to his holy girlfriend, he looking over her shoulder at me. I didn't try to move alluringly against Jake. Actually, I pretty much stood still. How could he do this to me with one look? How could he make me so melancholy? So regretful?

"Kathryn what's wro…" Jake's voice brought me out of my stupor, but he abruptly stopped when he saw who I was staring at. I looked up at him warily and opened my mouth to say something when I felt my cell vibrate. Jake sighed. I quickly looked at the text from Blaine and despite the content of the text, kept my face nonchalant.

"I am not doing this Kathryn. I am not playing your game unless I know what is going on between you," Jake growled and for the first time since I had met him, seemed to show strong emotions.

"It's nothing Jake, quit being such a pussy and get over it," I hissed in reply. Due to Blaine's text, I was feeling rather confident. There was no need to worry about him ratting me out now.

"I am not going to _'get over it'_ until I know if you have ever been _under him_!" you had to hand it to him; the boy was good with words. I wanted to stick with the deep blue eyes burning holes into my back, but at the same time I wanted nothing more than to hurt Sebastian. I wanted to get my revenge. It didn't matter if his stare affected me, I needed revenge. I didn't know what to tell Jake to get him to help me with my plan. My _plan_ had to go well. "Bye Kathryn," he said, shaking his head when I took too long answer. He disappeared into the crowds before I could say anything and I was left, standing in the middle of the dance floor, all alone. Sebastian walked over to me, leaving Annette at the bar and stood in front of me silently.

"Ditched again by another toy?" he asked in a tone that I am sure was a lot softer tan he intended. His voice was rather husky. Our long gaze had clearly affected him as well. Luckily, I already had put my game face on.

"Don't Sebastian. Can't you see Jake is different? I am _trying_ to change and _trying_ to… **move on**, so stop meddling with what Jake and I have," I said, my voice filled with emotion. Bet that shocked him. "Please," I added the icing to the cake. Sebastian looked at me sceptically.

"Since when does the ice princess say 'please'?" he asked.

"I can't lose Jake Seb, I have lost too much already," his face was priceless. He was shocked, confused, wary and, best of all, _jealous_. I bit back the huge grin that was about to spread across my face I ran a hand through my hair and looked up at him through hooded eyes, milking the moment for all it was worth. I could see the desire burn up in his eyes. Instantly, I knew that no matter what he said, part of Sebastian still ached for me. I turned to walk away, but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back- hard. I couldn't deny the electricity I felt fly through me and by the widening of Sebastian's eyes, I assumed he felt it too. At that particular moment, Annette decided to come over.

"What is she doing here?" she yelled at Sebastian, giving me a look filled with distain.

"Leaving," I replied and yanked my arm out of Sebastian's hold. I walked slowly through the crowd, straining my ears to hear the conversation between Annette and Sebastian. But, I didn't need to strain for long, as Annette came barging up to me just as I left the club.

"Kathryn!" she yelled and followed me up the street. I looked at her incredulously. It was a cold night and I was only in a skimpy dress, so I was rather annoyed at her holding me up.

"May I help you? You better not be here to annoy me Annette, you've seen the pictures I have," I replied in an aggravated tone. She closed her eyes for a second and squeezed them shut, as if shutting out the image of her dad diddling the minor.

"I'm not. Kathryn, I just need to know if Sebastian loved you?" she asked in a pained voice.

"What?" I spat.

"I just don't **get** it. He said all those horrible things about you in his journal, but he was still obsessed with you; he _still_ is. I know he loves me, but did he love you as well?" she was rambling and here eyes were shining with unshed tears. I felt pity tug at me. I did pity her. Seeing a relationship like mine and Sebastian's, must have been daunting.

"You read the journal Annette, what do you think?" I avoided her question.

"He hated you," she whispered, tears finally dripping from her eyes.

"Hate is still a form of passion," I replied and walked off into the night, hearing nothing but the clicking of my heels and thudding of my heart.

…………………………………………………

"Kathryn?" Jake asked coldly as he answered his door in his boxers. I raised my eyebrows at him suggestively.

"Don't be so moody. If you had answered one of my ten million phone calls, then I wouldn't have to be here," I replied, barging my way past him and into his house. I lay back on his sofa and smirked up at him seductively.

"Kathryn," he sighed and I looked up him angrily.

"You know, you have some nerve rejecting me when you left me at a club last night," I hissed at him, sitting up.

"You think I'm rejecting you? Kathryn of course I want you, but I want all of you and you won't give me that," he said, taking my hands in his. I threw them off.

"I thought that you were a notorious play boy Jake? You don't _feel_ for people," I said.

"I was… I am! I haven't felt like this before Kathryn…you're intoxicating," he replied. "And that's why I think you should leave before I get any deeper into this," his voice was firm, like he had planned out this speech. I looked at him softly for a second before standing up and facing him.

"I don't think I am going to go Jake. After all, you did promise to help me with my plan and I would get rather angry if you decided to go back on your word," I said in an innocent voice.

"What can you do to stop me? I have so much shit I can spread about you," he replied confidently. A smirk found its way to my lips and I let out a cold cruel laugh. I always got a thrill out of being in control.

"I don't think you are going to be spreading anything about me Jake; I know your secret. Does the name _**Clarice Thornberry**_ ring any bells?" I asked and looked into his face with cold eyes. His confident smile dropped off his face in a flash and panic covered his face.

"Y…y…you can't tell anyone Kat. You don't… you don't understand," he stuttered.

"I won't… if you keep your promise and stop asking questions," I said slowly and surely.

"Yeah, okay," he nodded his head furiously.

"One more thing…" I said slyly.

"What?" he asked in panic.

"Fuck me," I whispered.

He took no time in picking me; grabbing my waist and wrapping my legs around his waist. He practically threw me onto his plush sofa and climbed on top of me, his entire body pressed up against mine. His hands ripped my clothes off, buttons flying everywhere. His movements were fast, harsh and rough. He was inside of me in a matter of seconds and I closed my eyes and arched my back. The entire time he was pounding into me, he refused to meet my eyes and his lips were on every part of my body apart from my lips. Afterwards, I stayed awake through the night whilst watching him sleep. He no longer was sleeping soundly; he tossed and turned moaning and shouting out incoherent things. I wanted to reach out and comfort him, but images of Clarice Thornberry flashed through my mind.

"Clarice," he cried quietly.

**Maybe he had a conscience after all. **

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**Hey everyone. Sorry for the insanely long wait. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Thank you all for your lovely reviews.**

StaySee thanks for your review! It made me smile

RAWRXIMAXDINOSAUR thanks, here is an update :D

**And thanks to everyone else :D **


	14. Chapitre treize

"_The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being" _

_- Pearl S Buck_

"Jake! Stop it! Wake up!" I was yelling and shaking Jakes shoulders as he writhed on the bed, his finger nails scraping at his face and neck. There were angry red trails, bleeding lightly, down his neck and chest. His legs kicked and tensed incessantly and I had to stand a couple of metres away to avoid being hit. He gave me a clear shot of his cheek and in an instant; I slapped him - **hard**. His skin was clammy and hot against my chilly hand. He darted up into sitting position, finally drawn out of his slumbering state. His eyes were misty and confused and it took him a minute or so to register that I was in the room. He looked up at me in panic then down at his bleeding chest.

"Oh god," he panted and tears started to well up in his eyes. I was as motionless as a rock, contemplating the scene in front of me. My chest was heaving and my breathing shallow. I felt like I wasn't really _there_ with him. I felt like I was watching him through glass. I was so detached from him and his mind. He looked like a pathetic creature, sitting on the bed, head in hands, trying not to cry. I wanted to reach out and comfort his tortured soul, which was a very foreign concept to me seeing as I usually enjoyed watching people in pain.

"Jake…" I said and put my palm to the back of his neck. He squirmed, as if my touch seared his skin.

"Don't touch me! I'm dirty!" he yelled, all of his muscles tensing underneath my hand. I could see the muscles in his back cease up and go into spasm. I pulled my hand away and was about to try and slap him out of his state again when he jumped up. I backed off towards the door and leant with my back against it.

Two weeks had passed since I had told Jake I knew about Clarice Thornberry. Ever since I had mentioned it, he seemed to have closed in on himself. His sleep became disturbed and he avoided any socialising. He was sinking deeper and deeper inside himself. I had often been awoken by him yelling and kicking in his sleep, but this was worst it had ever been. He was starting to scare me. I – _Queen of all things fucked up_ – was scared of the clearly unstable boy in front of me. I couldn't help but feel guilty. _**I**_ had been the one to bring up his past and to threaten him with it. _**I**_ had been the one to remind him of what he had done and _**I**_ had been the one to drive him into this state. This grotesque feeling of guilt had driven me to spending every waking moment with him. My lunch break at school was spent wondering around trying to find him and when I did, I would sit and watch him chain smoke in silence. All thoughts aside from Jake were pushed from my mind and all of my energy was put into helping him. Destroying Sebastian had been postponed and I had even sunk to asking Cecile if she could help me find Jake. I hadn't even _thought_ of a way in which to hurt her and Court. It was as if I was trying to atone all of the cruel things I had done in my life by helping Jake.

"Get off me, get off me!" he screamed and tried his best to peel the skin off of his body.

"Jake!" I said in a tone that usually made people freeze, but he ignored me. _Something_ was wrong. Seriously wrong.

"I'm so DISGUSTING!" he was crying now, sobbing, but no tears were coming out.

"JAKE STOP IT! YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT!" I yelled above his din. He was throwing himself against his wall and I cowered at the door. He ignored me. I took a deep breath, calmed myself down and regained my cool exterior. I stared at him and refused to let any fear or sadness seep into me. I was perfectly in control. I always had a strange way of being able to control myself. It probably evolved from seeing and doing so many evil things at such a young age. I got my phone out and dialled the only number I could think of; the ambulance.

"Hello, this is Kathryn Merteuil…yes Merteuil. I need an ambulance – now. A friend of mine is having some form of break down," I said and told the woman on the other end Jake's address. I sat, helplessly, on a chair by Jake's window, whilst he sobbed into his bed, waiting for the ambulance. I had actually succeeded in driving someone insane.

………………………………………………………….

I closed my door silently behind me. I had snuck into the town house, trying to avoid being seen or heard by anyone. I sat at my vanity table, surrounded by my beautiful bottles and trinkets. I reached for the most beautiful trinket of them all; the most beautiful and the most deceptive. My crucifix unscrewed easily and I peered inside to find that there was only a small amount of that precious white powder left. I vaguely registered that I had been snorting a lot over the last couple of weeks. I had been at the hospital for a little over an hour. The ambulance had come relatively quickly. I was certain that we had received special treatment because I was a Merteuil. Being related to my mother did have its few perks. They had sedated Jake and restrained him to stop hurting myself. Jake wasn't one of those pussies who made tiny cuts on their wrists; he had been bruised and covered in foul smelling blood by the time we arrived at the hospital. The nurse had told me that he was speaking to the therapist and that he would be there overnight. I wasted no time in hanging around; hospitals made me feel nauseous.

I carefully lifted the spoon of white power to my nose and tried to calm my shaky breathing down before I inhaled the powder. It didn't give me the usual power rush- there wasn't enough there.

"You have to quit that you know?" came the sarcastic voice of my beloved step-brother. He was standing in my door way, dressed in black, with a sad smile on his face; like a fallen angel. He seemed to glow, but not I an angelic way, I wondered if he had just finished fucking the hick. The thought went flying from my mind when he stepped closer to me. He was making me dizzy – or maybe that was the coke.

"I…" I didn't even manage to finish my sentence. I was rarely speechless.

"I heard about Jake; the hospital called," he said and my eyes snapped up to his face in worry. "Don't worry, I told them to keep their mouths shut about it, they wont be spreading this around," he assured me. Why was he being so nice? He crouched down by my vanity table and screwed my crucifix back up. He hadn't been this close to me since the club; it was intoxicating. Hi scent was overwhelming; a hint of aftershave and the sweetness of his skin. I felt myself faltering over what to say. "He'll be okay Kathryn," his voice was soft and wrapped around me like a blanket. _He was comforting me over another boy._ It must have been strange for him; I never usually cared about anyone else. I felt his hand, emitting a heat that I couldn't believe was natural, gently hold my upper arm. It was like his touch was the pulling of a trigger and in seconds I was clinging onto him. I couldn't stop myself. I buried my face in his neck, gripped the front of his shirt with both fists and let his arms encase me. He pulled me to my feet by my waist and guided me over to the bed where he sat, with me in his lap.

"We aren't meant to be like this, I'm meant to hate you," I whispered into his neck and he pulled me to him harder; crushing me into his chest. His breathing was laboured as I he was fighting back tears and I looked up into his face. It was so familiar. I felt like I had finally come home after a long, tiring trip. I hadn't realised that I was crying until he wiped away a tear with his thumb.

"Don't touch me," I whispered, but so quietly, even I couldn't hear my demand.

"_Don't touch me! I'm dirty!"_

Jake's words flew into my mind; haunting me. I couldn't stand it. I needed to drown it. I needed cocaine – no – I needed something stronger. I licked my lips subconsciously and then my lips were on Sebastian's. He responded almost immediately, cupping my face. His wet lips were sliding against mine like silk. He tasted perfect. I grasped the back of his neck, deepening the kiss and he tugged o my hair gently so I would open my mouth further, granting him entrance. Our tongues met in a skilled dance. It was unlike all of our past experiences. It wasn't teasing, heated and fast, it was slow, sensual and needy. I took his bottom lips between my lips and gently sucked. He moaned quietly; a gentle hum in he back of his throat, and slowly undid the zip of my dress. My dress was strapless, so it pooled around my waist. He tugged it off me, leaving my in nothing but my panties. I was straddling him now, his arms holding my back, pressing me to him. My fingers were in his hair, on his face and I could feel him hardening underneath me. I was gently gyrating against him, pushing myself onto him and feeling the wetness seep onto my underwear. His hand traced from my neck down to my breast and I gasped, my skin flushing where he had touched me, as if he was setting me on fire. Everything was so warm. His hands found their way to my thighs and I whimpered.

"Sebastian," I said breathlessly. He stopped kissing me and pulled away, so our lips were centimetres from each others.

"I can't do this," he said more to himself than to me but is hands kept stroking my thighs. With the absence of his lips, thoughts of Jake popped back up in my mind.

"Sebastian," I repeated.

"I can't," he replied and pulled my dress back up, zipping it. I sat, dumbfounded, still breathless from arousal.

"Why?" I asked and was horrified at how pleading I sounded.

"I'm taking advantage of you. You're upset, I don't want to do something you will regret," he lifted me off him and sat me on the bed.

"I'm not some fucking damsel in distress Sebastian! I can make my own decisions," I replied but the words sounded and tasted like lies.

"Oh God I'm disgusting! I can't believe I did this to Annette," he said, jumping up.

"_I'm so DISGUSTING!"_

Jake's words came back to my fogged mind. Guilt lay heavily on top of me. Guilt was plain to see in Sebastian's eyes. He had been unfaithful to the hick. Jake was locked up in a hospital on the verge of insanity whilst I was here, dry humping my step-brother.

"Get out!" I needed to escape.

"I'm sorry," Sebastian whispered.

"You have to go!" I yelled pushing him towards the door. We banged into the door and yet again I was pressed up against him. Our eyes locked and once again we were kissing.

"Get out," I mumbled between warm, wet, kissed. He finally pulled away regretfully, looked at me through glistening eyes and left.

………………………………………………………………

_**Hey all! Sorry for taking so ridiculously long to update but I have had a busy week! So I posted an EXTRA long chapter and a VERY eventful chapter! I hope you all enjoyed it. Sebastian and Kathryn have finally cracked! **_

_**Thanks for all the people that have added this to their favourites and alerts. I would love for you to review as well so I can know what you think of each chapter and what you want to see happen next though. Thanks to all my faithful reviewers; without you I would have quit this story a long time ago!**_

_**Erica xxx**_


	15. Chapitre quatorze

"_I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to…hello._

_If I smile and don't believe,_

_Soon I know I wake from this dream._

_Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken._

_Hello…I'm the lie, living for you so you can hide._

_Don't cry"- Evanescence _

"Princess, the boy is insane," Blaine whined to me as I took another drag of my cigarette.

"I know! _**I**_ drove him insane," I replied, pretending I misunderstood what he had said. I leant down to take another line of cocaine, but the fag pulled me up by my hair. He could be such a little bitch sometimes,

"You have to pay for that!" he explained in attempt to calm the look of fury on my face.

"Here," I tossed him a fistful of cash and let out a smirk when he picked it up. He studied me closely as I snorted the line.

"You know that's not what I meant. I admit he might be God damn fuckable, but what he did to that Thornberry girl was Fucked Up. Capital F, capital U!" Blaine replied and I gave him a look.

"Capital F, capital U?" I mocked.

"It's my new thing and _**stop**_ avoiding my point," he replied and I sighed.

"Yes, it was fucked up… but who hasn't got their dirty little secrets? You for one, actually have a live in, little Latino _'pool boy'_. It's not like I am in love with the guy or anything," I replied, brushing the topic aside.

"Princess, his secret is a bit different than most peoples and I am not saying your in love with him, I think you save that for a certain step-brother. And _by the way_ José happens to be an excellent pool boy!" Blaine replied. I felt myself visibly cringe.

"I am not in love with Sebastian. We hate each others guts if you hadn't noticed," I said and lit up another cigarette.

"Well, a little birdie told me that you have been sucking each others faces off," Blaine said in a sing-song voice that made me want to strangle him.

"Sebastian told you that? Did he also tell you that he ran away as soon as he realised he was cheating on the precious girlfriend?" I scoffed.

"No, he told me, he ran away because he knew you were just upset about Jake. Which brings me back to my earlier point; stay away from psycho boy," Blaine replied. I bit my lip and felt my insides tighten in pleasure. Sebastian _**hadn't**_ stopped because of Annette; he had stopped because of me.

"I need to carry on seeing 'psycho boy' if my plan is going to work. Now, I have to go," I replied and stood up, stubbing out my cigarette.

"Where are you going princess?" Blaine asked.

"None of your God damn business!"

"Ah, to see psycho boy!"

"Fine, if you must know; yes," Blaine's interrogations were starting to annoy me.

"You have been there everyday this week!" he was using that sing-song voice again.

"Of course I have. I am pretending to be a loving girlfriend," I said confidently whilst filling up my crucifix. My brief period of cutting back on cocaine had certainly come to an end.

"You sure you're pretending? Who is it that you want Kathryn; Jake or Sebastian?" Blaine stated in all seriousness. I slammed the door with a bang.

……………………………….…………………..

"The doctor said you can be released in a couple of days," I said, avoiding looking directly into his eyes.

"The therapist recommended that I go to a clinic in France. She said it was my choice to either leave or go to France," he replied, trying to catch my eye. I turned to him, overcome with a sadness that I couldn't explain. He was supposed to just be another toy. He wasn't supposed to have the effect on me. I convinced myself that it was just because I felt guilty for threatening to tell his secret.

"Are you going to go?" I asked, staring at my darkly painted nails.

"It's up to you," I finally met his gaze at this.

"What?" I asked scathingly and then silently berated myself when I saw him flinch.

"Will you tell if I go?" he asked.

"No," I replied honestly.

"You want me to leave. Trust me, I don't blame you," he said with a bitter smile on his face.

"Don't be such a pussy. I don't want you to leave," I said, once again being honest.

"Really?" he asked miserably.

"Don't act so upset about it. Take it as a compliment; most people annoy the shit out of me, but I want you around," I replied. I got up and walked over to the window, taking a deep breath and steadying myself against the wall.

"Why? It's _Sebastian_ you love, not _me_," he replied and I felt myself tense in annoyance.

"**Do you love me?**" I said sarcastically. Despite the awkwardness, I was glad that he was speaking again. It had been a week before he finally acknowledged I was there, in his room. He lay back down and closed his eyes; taking in a deep breath.

"Yes," he finally spoke.

"No you don't," I stated firmly and stood up, putting on my jacket. "Stay or go. Do whatever you think is best and just sort your _fucking_ mind out, alright?" I ordered and walked out of the door, leaving Jake alone with his demented thoughts.

…………………………………………………………….

I ran the brush through my hair and watched it fall into place. The school facilities were cleaner than most, but I still screwed up my nose at the thought of the dirt.

"Everyone admires you so much for sticking by Jake. You must really love him to be so supportive," Cecile cooed to me.

"I do love him," I said as convincingly as I could muster – I was running low on cocaine again and wasn't in a good mood.

"Jennifer said that once he comes out of hospital, you two are going to win cutest couple prize!" she informed me and I smiled. Everyone thought I was a golden princess.

"What about you and Court?" I asked slyly whilst extracting my makeup bag. I pulled out my expensive powder and touched up my makeup.

"**Wow**! How much did that cost?!" Cecile asked, jumping up from sitting by the sinks. Her grubby hands tried to make a grab for my bag, but I yanked it out of her way.

"Cecile! It isn't your colour. Now, tell me about you and Court; how's it going?" I snapped, and then asked sweetly. The girl was still as idiotic as ever. She was following me around like a dog; bringing me titbits of information about her affair with Ronald. She grinned at me in a child like manner. I had shocked even myself when I tainted her innocence. Sebastian had warned me that I was harming a totally innocent girl but I went ahead with it. The really fucked up thing was that I didn't feel anything. I didn't regret what I did to her. I just regretted that it hadn't worked out as planned.

"He isn't as good as Ronald. You know – in bed!" she whispered excitedly. I nearly laughed. _Too_ fucking right he wasn't as good as Ronald.

"Really? Do you love Ronald?" I asked with a chipper smile on my face.

"Yes I do! I can't stop thinking about him, he is so hot. As in H.O.T.T hot!" the fool squealed and the look of disgust must have passed over my face. First Blaine and now Cecile spelling words out. I was surrounded by fags and fools.

"Cecile, I have a meeting with the Dean, I will speak to you later," I said with a fake smile and left the girls toilets.

My heels were clicking in my ears as I walked down the corridor. It was class time, so the hallways were pretty empty but occasionally someone would walk past me and smile or look up in awe at me. It was unbelievable how much the people in my school idolised me.

_Speaking of the devil!_ I thought as I saw Ronald walking towards the music rooms.

"Oh Ronald!" I yelled – this opportunity was too great to let go.

"Oh Kathryn…hi," he said awkwardly whilst checking to make sure no one was near us. "I just came here to teach a music lesson," he informed.

"To Cecile?" I asked bitterly. "I miss the days when you used to come around to my house you know," I said sweetly and dragged my fingernail over his chest, biting my bottom lip, then licking it. Ronald squirmed uncomfortably. I almost jumped out of my skin when the auditorium door opened and someone walked out.

"Well, well, well! What do we have here? If it isn't the _ever so faithful_ Ice Queen," Sebastian's cocky voice floated over to me. I turned and scowled at him. Since we nearly fucked, Sebastian and I went back to ignoring each other and bickering cruelly.

"Do you really want to talk to me about being faithful?" I asked rudely. Ronald took this as his cue to run away.

"Annette wont believe you; I'm safe," he mocked.

"Ah, safe…but not _faithful_," I smirked and walked closer to him, peering up seductively into his face. "I bet if I asked you to fuck me right now, you wouldn't even _hesitate!_" I said slowly whilst staring at his bottom lip.

"I think you would find I would. Dirty whores aren't my type," he replied and turned to walk away.

"How fucking dare you?" I hissed and he turned at the tone of my voice. "I am **not** a whore!"

"Baby, you tried to fuck me whilst your little fucked up boyfriend was in hospital- of course you are a whore," his expected answer came. I forced tears to well up in my eyes.

"It was a mistake; I was upset. I have visited him at the hospital everyday. Even when he barely recognises me! And even when everyone found out about his break down, I stuck by him!" I hissed and he stood there, something awfully like jealousy passing across his face.

"What's your excuse?" I asked in return and walked away before he answered.

Everything had been working out to my advantage. Even Jake's break down had made me look like an angel. Yet, for some unknown reason, I didn't feel happy. I felt like everything was falling apart. I was confused; did I want to hurt Sebastian? Did I want Sebastian back? And what of the dark haired boy, sitting in a hospital bed? All I knew was that I didn't want Jake to go to France.

…………………………………………..

_**Wow I am on a roll! Hope you like the update. I keep getting people adding this to alerts and favourites but I am still not getting many reviews. Are my readers still there? Are you still enjoying it?!?!**_

_**Love Erika xxxx**_


	16. Authors Note

A/N

A/N

I am on here to apologise and give a well needed explanation (or explanations). This is the first time I have managed to get internet access in a month or so and I am not sure when I next will be able to get it.

I know I have many devout followers and reviewers of my stories. These stories are a large part of me and I do have a plan in my head – and heart – of where they are going next. I want to apologise for the ridiculously long time that I have not updated these stories. I wish I could for all of you. Each of you deserves an update because of your wonderful, talent affirming reviews and support. I admire and thank you all so much for them.

I have another apology to make- I will not be updating today. Yet I want you – no, beg you – all to keep faith and keep my stories in your favourites etc. Updates WILL come. I promise you that. They will come and hopefully soon.

Okay…I guess I had better explain and this is a rather hard thing for me to do. It will take a lot out of me and probably embarrass me quite a bit but I think honesty is probably my best policy here. Why have I not updated in so long? Why have I not had internet access? Because I am in a mental health clinic. I was signed in a little over two months ago and am due to be released in a week or so. As you may be able to tell from many of my characters in my stories (or perhaps from my writing style alone) I am not a very stable person. I have been suffering with depression and schizophrenia for a while and I volunteered myself a stay in this clinic to get better quickly. The clinic (a famous chain called 'The Priory') has been amazing; peaceful and life affirming. It has been everything I needed and helped me immensely. It has made me healthy – something I had deemed impossible. My doctors have agreed that I can leave very soon and so I will again have access to the internet…and my life. I had many psychiatrists before my stay (the 'Stork' hospital from _Confessio Amantis_ was based on my experience with psychiatrists and psychologists) and I tricked all of them and refused to open up. When I admitted myself to The Priory, I was ready to get well and I urge anyone ill to put all their hearts and souls into getting better and opening up (no matter how easy it is to trick the doctors). I speak from experience – it is worth it.

All my love, Erika.


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